Ruined

I hate to feel this way (it might be even harder for me to actually admit in writing) and I am really struggling with it especially now with the whole baby talk.

I feel totally ruined by my labor experience with Jake. It was nothing I wanted & now seems to have repercussions even 3 years later.

When I was pregnant with Jake(well probably way before that) I read as many books as I could. Mostly about natural birth, healthy pregnancy, a few about actual baby stuff. But I was really focusing on natural birth.

I wanted a natural birth so bad!! But most of all I did NOT want a c-section. I envisioned a drug free delivery with my sweet baby being placed immediately on my chest.

Our first minutes of bonding.



Being a first time mom I had no idea what to expect. Even though I thought I was prepared for everything(after all I had read the books).

Pretty early into my pregnancy I was given the word I had gestational diabetes & had to control it with insulin shots. As soon as I was given this label I heard the fist talks of being induced. The doctor I had doesn't let you go past 39 weeks with gestational diabetes for fear the baby could get too big. Being labeled with this also meant I became high risk and had to see a specialist along with my regular doctor the rest of my pregnancy.

I did kind of love being able to see my sweet boy almost weekly through ultrasound there were still lots of other extra things that had to be done.

Unfortunately  at about 35 weeks my blood pressure started going up (I am not sure what my numbers were I should have asked). I was put on moderate bed rest. The following week it still hadn't gone down the specialist thought it would be best to induce labor as soon as possible. Which meant I would need an amniocentesis to determine if Jake's lungs were mature enough for him to be forced into our arms.

Yea for the doctors his lungs were in great shape to be delivered at 37 weeks.

Even though it was 3 weeks early(and he showed no signs of wanting to come out).

I was given the weekend and then Monday night Jason & I checked into the hospital to begin the induction process.

At this point I wonder...after all the books I read and the horror stories about pitocin...why didn't I question it more. Push to be given a little more time with Jake still where he belonged at that moment. The only answer I have is no matter how many books you read when the doctor tells you something you might not really be totally prepared. After all the doctors are supposed to know best...right?

The pitocin worked great to bring on terrible contractions and move me in the direction I needed to go. It also led to tons of monitoring and not being able to move from the bed at all.

But with Jake not being ready...he was too high and wasn't dropping down. His head was positioned wrong they say. And no matter what he wasn't going to come down any more.

So a c-section was necessary...the one thing I dreaded most about delivering Jake!!

Now that I have had one c-section doctors believe I should be assigned to a c-section for every pregnancy from here until we are done having babies.  

Never to experience what I truly want a natural delivery. No medicine, no intervention, just delivery!

I must add here: that of course having a c-section isn't the end of the world. No matter how it happened I still brought my precious Jake into this world. I am eternally grateful for him and we are blessed beyond our wildest dreams. We love him so much and it really doesn't matter how he was delivered. He is here!! I also understand that it is all part of God's plan for me & for Jake. God knew this would be the way!!!

But this is not the kind of birth story I thought I would have to share.  And as we talk about babies I can't help but feel ruined.

However, I am on a search!!!

This is just a piece of my heart as we look forward to future babies. Things that have started to become all consuming of me.