Control

There has been lots of talk about another baby in our house. Both from Jason & I & even Jake has gotten in on the conversation. His Aunt had twins about 9 weeks ago which I think is what has sparked Jake's interest in talking about babies. But for Jason & I it is just getting to be about that time.

I am a huge planner...like to a fault. I know that my plans aren't the plans that matter. That I should be leaving my plans in God's hands and fully trusting that he knows the way. But I just haven't been able to give up my control and let God lead the way. I am praying about this daily.

I know that it is always a good time to have a baby!!

But I just can't help, but think if we wait for this or we do that it might be better. I am at the point now where I just want to give it to God and let him take charge of when is a good time. You would think after struggling to get pregnant with Jake I would know that my plans aren't always the same as God's plan. If it had been my plan Jake would have been born in April of 2007. But instead God knew what we needed and blessed us with Jake in October (only 5 days after my birthday and the day before Halloween).  I should have learned that no matter how much planning there is on my part usually it doesn't work out that way.

It seems that when Jason & I talk about it I just can't really seem to give it all to God. It is so easy to say, to pray, to ask God to let me give up control, but when it comes down to actually letting go of control I can't fully release it. I still have a hold maybe not as tight of a hold as last week or even yesterday, but still  holding on to control. 

However, there is planning that needs to be done here on earth.

The biggest thing I need is to find a new doctor! The doctor I have now won't allow vbacs.

There have been plenty of women who change doctors in the middle of their pregnancy, but I want to start out with a good doctor who will listen to my wishes. So I have partially been on the hunt for a new doctor. I think I haven't really been putting my all into searching for a doctor because I am not really sure if this is the *right* time for us to have a baby. Feeling like if I put off finding a doctor I can wait until what seems like the *right* time!

But will I ever feel like this is the *right* time?

I am opening my heart just a little & sharing some of these struggles. This is what is on my mind right now and is basically all consuming of every free moment my brain & heart has.  Is the time now??